We had the worst possible Halloween II seeking experience ever. I taught from 9-10:45, raced home to eat lunch and figure out what earliest possible showing we could attend. We decided that since the local Milledgeville theatre doesn’t play matinees during the week, it would be worth the 35-40 minute drive to Greensboro, GA’s new fancy theatre to see Halloween II at 2 (how perfect!). We left the house around 12:30 because of rainy weather. Arrived at Spotlight Theatre around 1:05, but drove around for the next 10 minutes or so just in case we’d arrived too early. At 1:15, we entered the theatre and bought our movie tickets. We explored/wandered/thought for a little bit, then at 1:20, got some popcorn and one bottle of Dasani water. At 1:25, we went to the ticket guy (a senile old man), who tore our tickets and mumbled that we were in theatre #2.

We went to theatre #2 as instructed. We sat there and watched the lamo pre-movie trivia that always plays before movies. 2:00PM comes around. Nothing. But there were only a few other people in the theatre; they were probably just waiting for it to fill up a little more before starting the movie. We waited, and around 2:07, they started playing commercials and then trailers. These scary movie trailers (including The Stepfather and Zombieland) continued until 2:25, when I saw those fateful words: Peter Jackson Presents.

WHAT? This is a Rob Zombie flick!!! Peter Jackson would not be involved in any way! No way! No how! We grabbed our popcorn, umbrella, hoodie, purse and thingies and ran out of the theatre immediately. Now, before you think complete asses of us, remember that this is a new theatre. There were no neon signs displaying the movie above the door entering our theatre. We had only to go on the word of the ticket tearer alone and the info on our tickets…which unfortunately we never thought to check. When we arrived at the ticket counter, Derrick explained that we had been directed to the wrong theatre. When one lady said “but it’s only 15 minutes into the movie,” I almost freaked out…. “15 minutes?!? Lady, do you know how many people have died already?” I didn’t say that, of course, but that’s what I thought. Thankfully the manager refunded our money, and we drove home in the rain, knowing that we would have to watch a 7:00 showing of Halloween II.

WARNING: Before you continue, be aware that there are SERIOUS spoilers concerning the movie and its predecessor Rob Zombie’s 2007 Halloween. I don’t want to ruin a movie for anyone, but most of my criticisms about the movie do concern Rob Zombie’s motive for making the film, the way the plot was handled, and the ending of the film.

We ate a nice dinner (buy one get one free entrée coupon at Ruby Tuesday) before going to Halloween II. We both got chicken tenders with double mashed potatoes and a few drinkies before heading over to the neighboring theatre. We showed up early, at 6:25, but we wanted the best seats in the theatre after our previous ruined plans and afternoon. Don’t even ask me how many times we checked the tickets. It was A LOT.

Before I begin my “review,” I want to explain my experience with Rob Zombie films. I love him. I love him unconditionally. I love him and would leave Derrick if the opportunity ever arose to run off with Rob Zombie. ( Derrick is very flexible/understanding with the fact that I would run off with Rob Zombie or Hugh Hefner. We’ve discussed this at length, so don’t worry about needing to inform him about this ) I think he is manly in the way that he carries himself, in how intelligent he is in his discussion of film. I admire his passionate nature, and I admire his relationship with Sheri Moon.

I own House of 1000 Corpses and I own The Devil’s Rejects (and its corresponding documentary, 30 Days in Hell). I even own THREE copies of Halloween: the theatrical, the unrated, and his three disc unrated edition which also included the three and a half hour documentary on the making of the film. Long story short, I’ve been tracking H2 for as long as it has been in production. I’ve been drooling over cameos by Margot Kidder and Caroline Williams. However, as horrible as it makes me feel to say it, H2 as a movie falls flat.

And this is why: Rob Zombie NEVER wanted to make this movie. This is why (and he admits this in the DVD commentary in so many words) he ended Halloween with Laurie shooting Michael Myers in the face. How can a villain return without a face? Unfortunately, Halloween made a lot of money, and producers (I.E. the Devil: The Weinstein Company) were going to make it with or without Rob Zombie. He sold his soul to the Devil and basically said “If anyone’s going to screw up my movie, it better be me” as he entered the project.

The primary flaw in H2 lies in the central metaphor of the film: the metaphor of the white horse. The movie opens with little Michael Myers (a horribly recast version of the previous young Michael who hit puberty and was too big/too tall to continue in the franchise) telling his mother about a dream he had with her standing next to a white horse. Even before that, we had some definition posted on the screen about a white horse—this quote was long forgotten by the first skull bashing. Regardless, this vision stays with Michael as he grows into an adult and provides his central motivation for murdering.

I’m not against this idea in theory. Just like the first film provides a nature vs. nurture (leaning on nurture compared to the John Carpenter’s nature justification) introduction to Michael’s character, I think it makes sense for H2 to continue with Michael’s character development. But the execution of Michael’s haunting is a total disaster. Michael is followed around by a white horse AND his mother, Sheri Moon Zombie dressed up just like Living Dead Girl. More distractingly, horse and mom are accompanied by none other than LITTLE MICHAEL. So Michael Myers (who doesn’t talk) is having conversations with his mom and his little himself, in addition to looking at a really goofy out of place horse.

The second major flaw falls in the character development of Dr. Samuel Loomis. Loomis was a good guy for the most part throughout Carpenter’s Halloweens and Zombie’s Halloween. Halloween allowed Loomis to strive for fame/fortune a little bit…just a little bit, before eventually developing the compassion to want to save the little town of Haddonfield. This worked. In H2, Loomis becomes a totally out of control psycho, publishing a book that reveals that Laurie Strode is, in fact, Michael Myers’ sister. This DOESN’T work. Loomis is running around town like a jerk, hitting on random women and pissing off his agent and, more upsettingly, Lynda (killed in the last flick)’s dad. He even stars on a Jimmy Kimmelesque show where he and Weird Al are interviewed at the same time. I just don’t buy it. How can someone be so unaffected by death, let alone unaffected by the fact that he almost died in the last movie? It doesn’t work…and guess what, I don’t buy into the fact that he would sacrifice himself in order to save Laurie at the end of the movie either.

Speaking of the ending, you know how the first one ended, with Laurie shooting Michael in the face and screaming, then the camera zooming into a picture of the two of them as children. I bought it. I really bought it. Before even that happens, Michael sort of lifts up his hand to steady her hand has she holds the gun at him. I believed that Laurie and Michael had something so connected that they could share that kind of moment. Nothing changes in H2. The movie ends the same way, with Michael essentially giving Laurie the knife so she can kill him. This time, after the murder, she puts on his mask/face, taking on his identity. And the movie ends with her in a mental institution—totally destroyed…just like the Halloween franchise.

Don’t even get me started on the little details. Michael Myers now grunts. Laurie lives in a room with Manson memorabilia. I don’t get it, and I don’t think it was supposed to make any sense. Rob Zombie gave up. He made a movie as beautiful as ever, without any reasonable central plot or characters to hold it together. The artsy attempt at a horse metaphor was lost on me (in addition to the majority of middle America audiences, I expect). I was disappointed.

Will I buy three copies of THIS DVD? I doubt it.